Divorce:The Practicalities

Forgiveness:The Necessity

“I never thought it would happen to me.”

Sound familiar?Have you said that yourself?If you have, you’re not alone.Thousands and thousands of women have said those same words – in shock, anger, disbelief – when they find out their husband is leaving them.

“The wife is always the last one to know.”And many people wonder how that can be.And yet, it’s true in so many cases.Deceitfulness hides in the dark, cowers under lie upon lie and blinds us to the truth.By the time truth is revealed, it is often too late for many couples – the damage has been done and the death bell is tolling for the marriage that once seemed perfect.

This is my story, shared in hope of helping other women who may be facing divorce or who may have already gone through a divorce.

I was one of the last to know and I never, ever thought it would happen to me.Bill* and I married young, he was 22 and I had turned 21 the month before our wedding.We were high school sweethearts, and even though we broke up for a period after high school, when we reunited I was positive that it was forever.

We had a good marriage, or so I thought.We had our problems just like other married couples – finances and communication mostly – but all in all, I always thought our marriage was solid.We had two children, Janet was born in 1978 and Jack was born in 1984.By the time Jack was born, we had settled into a nice home in a small community near Bill’s mother.

We found a great church nearby and became members and active in various ministries.I was a member of the choir and later of the worship team.Bill and I taught a Sunday school class together one year and eventually he was nominated and elected as a Deacon.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, our trouble began several years before Bill left.When desktop computers arrived on the scene, nothing would satisfy Bill until he had purchased one.Once the Internet was introduced, he was even more fascinated with the computer.He would get on the computer as soon as dinner was over every night and stay on the computer until time for bed.Eventually he would stay on well past bedtime and I would go to bed without him. Many nights, especially on the weekends, I would wake up at 1 or 2AM in the morning and he would still be online.He told me about a minister from New Jersey he was “talking” to and a couple of other friends from Texas who had all become email buddies.I thought it was harmless and felt like Bill needed this outlet.

In the summer of 1991, I attended a worship conference in Dallas and Bill was at home with the children.When I got back home after being away for a week, I found out that Bill’s email buddies – all three of them – had been to visit while I was gone.Bill had not mentioned them coming before I left, so I was quite surprised but glad he had an opportunity to meet these men face to face.It was only months later, that I recalled the conversation and realized that my children, especially my daughter, looked very uncomfortable when Bill was telling me about the visit.

Bill continued to spend a lot of time on the computer and when I would mention it, he would just smile and brush me off.

In the fall of that same year, I was watching a football game one Sunday afternoon and Bill was online.He asked me if it was okay if a friend of his came over to visit and of course, I said yes.Not too long after that, the doorbell rang and I got up to answer it.Standing at the door was Bill’s friend, a drop-dead gorgeous man and immediately the thought dropped into my mind and spirit that there was a problem with this man and his visit, and that I and my marriage was in trouble.But I pushed the thought out of my mind and welcomed him into our home.I excused myself and he and Bill visited for a while.

Soon thereafter, Bill stopped going to church and the children and I would go without him.

By November, I knew something was very wrong but could not determine what was going on.When I mentioned anything to Bill, he would just say that he was busy at work and very tired.We decided to go away for the Thanksgiving holiday, something we had never done before.We left on Wednesday night and Bill seemed relieved and feeling better.But by Thursday morning, he had once again become very quiet and sullen, and he stayed that way until we were returning home that Sunday.

The next few weeks were busy preparing for the Christmas holiday.I was directing the church choir at that time; I spent many nights in rehearsals for the Christmas cantata.We presented the cantata three times that season and Bill came to the first night’s presentation.When it was over, many people, except Bill, came up to congratulate me.When I looked for him, he was looking at me with a sarcastic, “anyone could have done what you just did” look, and walked out of the church.I was crushed.I had worked so hard, along with the choir and orchestra, to offer the best cantata we could.How could he have just walked away?

At home, things were going from bad to worse.Bill would get home from work later and later with each passing week.The children and I were walking on eggshells all the time because we never knew what Bill’s mood would be when he was home.

Christmas came and it was worse than Thanksgiving.Like most families in America, we split the holidays so that we could spend time with both families on each holiday.Early in our marriage Bill’s mother decided she always wanted her family to come on Christmas Eve.This worked for us and so we were at her house on Christmas Eve afternoon.It was evident to everyone there that there was something going on.Bill, who was usually very open and talkative, sat on the sofa the entire time we were there, barely speaking to anyone.When asked, he would say he was fine, just not in a talkative mood.No one believed him.

Once the holidays were over, Bill seemed almost like his old self again, and I breathed a sigh of relief.It did not last long.In the first week of January, Bill reverted back to the quiet, sullen man he had been in the previous months.

Finally, Bill came to me and said that he was leaving.He said there was no one else; he just needed to “find himself.”I begged him to go to counseling, Christian counseling, with me.He lashed out at me and said he didn’t need counseling, and he especially didn’t need it from anyone at church, or any other Christian.The next day, Bill was gone.

When Bill did leave, I told our daughter and son, Janet who was 13 and Jack, 7, that he had gone on a business trip for that weekend and the following week. He travelled for his company and I felt this excuse for his absence would satisfy the children. Inside, I was heartbroken and didn’t know how or when I would tell the children the truth. I had never felt that kind of pain or grief in my life. But I put on a good face and tried to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

After he had been gone for a few days, he called me at work to say that he had temporarily moved in with a friend until he could find an apartment. I was stunned! Naively, I had hoped this was just a phase and that he would be home in a week or two. I had no idea he was planning on leasing an apartment. He asked what I had told the children and I replied that I had told them he had gone on a business trip, but I angrily insisted that he come home to tell them the truth. I also told him that when he came to talk to the children, he could not leave the house with anything – no clothes, no furniture, nothing.

Bill came the next night and attempted to explain to the children what was going on and they were devastated. When he left, my daughter, Janet, came to me, almost inconsolable. We hugged and talked for several minutes until I suddenly realized I didn’t know where Jack was. Janet and I began to call Jack and he didn’t answer. We went into his room, and there he was, in the bed with the covers pulled up over his face, crying, his heart shattered into a million pieces. We sat on his bed and I took both of them in my arms and we all cried together. It was then, and remains to be, the worst night of my life.

Parents, please understand that your children will be extremely and adversely affected by your actions and they won’t be “better off” if you divorce.Divorce will split your family wide open, causing wounds that will take years to recover from.Divorce is the enemy’s ultimate goal for every family.

Because I did not allow Bill to take anything from the house when he came to tell the children what was happening, he came back a few nights later while we were at church to get his things.I knew he was coming, but the shocker was he took all of his clothes.In the back of my mind I had thought he would be home by summer so I was stunned to see that all of his clothes were gone.The realization hit me again that this was not just a phase.

In the coming months, I went through cycles of pain, anger and grief. At times, the pain was almost unbearable. Then raging anger would hit me, followed by an almost depthless and agonizing grief. I never knew how long each cycle would last.I remember many, many nights after the children were asleep, when I would cry out to God and ask “WHY?” I begged God for His help but it felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling.

Occasionally, the pain would lessen a minuscule amount and the grief would ease ever so slightly. Then without warning, the pain and grief would overwhelm me with a vengeance. There were times when I truly thought I would not survive because the pain and anguish was so great. Hours would go by when I could not draw a deep breath. I felt like I was surrounded by a dark, black fog with no way out. My stomach was constantly tied in knots. I could not make decisions, even simple decisions such as what to wear to work. Every day, I had to force myself to get out of bed and face the day, when all I really wanted to do was pull the covers up over my head and hide from the world. At work, I made mistakes, some so serious that had I worked anywhere else, I would have been fired. But my employer was also my pastor and he was aware of my family’s situation and showed infinite grace and mercy to me as his parishioner and his employee.

Although I asked Bill on several occasions to accompany me to marital counseling, he refused.

For those of you who are reading this, you need to understand that I am highly supportive of couples getting counseling – long before the problems escalate into a no-hope situation.And I feel strongly that the counseling should be with a Christian counselor, so that the counseling is Biblically-based.However, both the husband and the wife must be willing to not only go to counseling, but also participate in the counseling and heed the advice of the counselor.If one spouse is not truly willing to go to counseling, in all probability nothing of significance will be accomplished in the counseling sessions.Honesty must become a priority in your communication and relationship.Trust must be restored.In essence, the marriage must be rebuilt from the ground up, with Jesus Christ at the center of your marriage.You will need to re-establish reading the Bible together, or begin that practice together for the first time.You will need to pray together and attend church together.In time, if these things are done consistently and if each spouse works towards the common goal of a successful marriage based on Scripture and the love of Christ, the marriage can be stronger together.

As I’ve already stated, Bill wasn’t interested in counseling, but he wasn’t eager to divorce either. All during this time, I prayed for reconciliation and I had everyone in my church and everyone I knew outside of my church praying for the same thing.I finally decided that Bill was going through a mid-life crisis, a little younger than most men, but still I convinced myself that’s all it was.I even gave him a copy of an interview I heard about men in mid-life crisis.What the guest speaker described as such a man was exactly the way Bill acted – at least to me.Bill called me one day a few weeks after I had given him the tape and asked me to dinner the next night.I was so excited!I just knew that he was going to say that he wanted to come home and was willing to do whatever it took for me to take him back.I shared this feeling with my pastor and one or two other people on the church staff; somehow I didn’t see the doubt and misgivings in their eyes.

We went to a favorite Mexican restaurant where we had dined many times in the past.I was still so excited – I felt like I was on my first date.I could tell that Bill was nervous; I thought it was because he was worried I would not let him come home.After we had ordered our meals, Bill said he had something to tell me.Immediately I realized that he had not asked me to dinner so that he could ask if he could come home.Still, I was not prepared for his next comment – that he was gay.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you were having an out-of-body experience?When Bill told me he was gay, it was as if God immediately snatched me out of that booth and I was floating above the scene, looking down at a different couple.God put his arms around me and His guards around my heart for the next hour as I listened to my husband tell me things that I never thought I would hear from him.

It was hard enough when I thought that Bill, even though he denied it, had probably found another woman – someone prettier, smarter, younger, or all three.But to sit and listen to him say that he was in love with another man – a person who could fill the hole in his heart and the place in his life that I had never, in 17 years of marriage, been able to fill - was unbearable.He said that if he died and went to hell for being homosexual, it would be worth it because he had experienced true love and had finally found happiness.Only with God’s help and strength did I make it through that dinner.Needless to say, I had lost my appetite and we left soon after.

Thankfully, I had not told the children that I thought their dad was taking me to dinner so he could ask to come home.Even so, when we arrived back at the house, they both had questioning looks on their faces.I was barely holding it together by then and fortunately, it was their bedtime.Once they were asleep, I locked myself in my bedroom and completely broke down.I cried all night long, never falling asleep.

Over the next three days, I lost 8 pounds.I couldn’t eat and when I tried, I promptly lost whatever I ate.I took two days off from work and wondered what to do next, how to get through the desperation and despair.How would I ever explain this to my children?The cycles of grief that I had gone through when Bill first left had resurfaced, worse than before.I finally realized that I was going to need help and a lot of it to get through the next few months and I began seeing the counselor on staff at church.

Again, let me encourage you to get counseling if you and your spouse are on the edge of a divorce, if you are going through one or even if it has already occurred.Do not let the anger and bitterness reside in you any longer.

One of the first things my counselor advised me to do was to be tested for HIV.Good heavens – another shock to the system.What if I had HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease?It was then that I remembered that some months before he left, Bill had told me he had stopped at a truck stop to use the bathroom and had somehow had picked up an infection.But I was not to worry – he was taking medication for it, and I couldn’t get infected.Needless to say, once I remembered that, I had an appointment with my doctor for the very next day.Thankfully, all tests came back negative!

There are also some practicalities that women should consider, especially if you have children.Find a good lawyer, one who will stand up for your rights and your children’s rights.Interview several lawyers to determine with whom you can work.As soon as you have hired a lawyer, file for legal separation.A legal separation protects you and sets forth monthly child support payments, but it may also leave the door open for reconciliation.

If you and your spouse are unable to reconcile and the unthinkable happens, there are some things that you, as the mother, need to ensure are included in the divorce papers so that your children are always provided for:

·Child support payment increases by a certain percentage every time your husband receives a raise.Ensure that your husband is required to submit his W2 every year to your lawyer for proof of wages.

·Husband should be required to provide medical, dental and vision insurance for children, even if he does not have insurance through his employer.

·Husband should be required to pay at least 50% of college tuition and expenses.

·Visitation schedule should also include the holiday schedule, i.e. where the children will spend each holiday.Will you alternate holidays?Will you keep the holiday schedule the same year after year?

·Who will claim the children on the income tax returns?If there is more than one child, will you each claim a child?Will you alternate years – you claiming the children one year and your spouse the next?

·Will the house have to be sold?If so, how will the profits be distributed? (If at all possible, keep the house so that the children will not have to go through that change, and possibly changing schools.There is enough trauma and upheaval in their life right now without having to take them away from something else that is so familiar to them.)

All of these things, and other considerations, may sound cold and heartless.But they are not.You must look out for your children and protect them and their rights as much as possible.I wish I had insured that all of these points were addressed before I signed on the dotted line.

During this time, ladies, you must take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.I learned early in the process that I had to take care myself in order to take care of my children.I would pick up the children from their grandmother’s each day and arrive home shortly after 4PM.I would tell them that I needed to lie down for 30 minutes and during that time they would be permitted to watch TV.These 30 minutes allowed me to relax, letting the stress of the workday go and mentally and physically recharge for the evening.When I got up, I would cook dinner while the children did their homework at the kitchen bar so that we could talk while I cooked.

Even though you are going to have to make some serious decisions at some point in this situation, do not make any life-changing decisions for the first few months, unless you absolutely have to.You will not be able to think clearly and you do not want to make any decisions that you might come to regret later.

I also tried to pamper myself with simple and inexpensive, or no-cost, treats.I made a point to take a bubble bath at least once a week.When the children were at their dad’s, I would prepare a dish or meal that I liked, but the children perhaps were not so fond of.I would serve my dinner on my fine china, use a linen napkin and sometimes even light a candle.I joined the local library for free so that I could read all the books I had wanted to read, but had not had the time to do so.By now, I’m sure you’ve gotten the point:do things that will help you stay sane.

Emotionally, you must get into Christian counseling.I realize that I have mentioned this several times, but I cannot emphasize it enough.You are NOT going to be able to go through this time without help.Oh sure, you can try.But why waste years and years recovering from the divorce when an excellent Christian counselor can assist you in moving through the grief cycle and recovery in less time?

Last, but definitely not least, is the spiritual aspect of the divorce and recovery.And yes, there is a spiritual aspect to divorce.I’m not going to argue the Biblical aspect of divorce.That is something that you will need to work out within your own self, based on your beliefs.This experience can either draw you much closer to God or drive you away from him.Allow this experience to draw you closer to God.Let Him truly become your husband (Ps. 68:5).Listen to praise and worship music, allowing yourself to soak in the presence of God.Read the Bible every day and pray constantly.Seek God’s wisdom on every decision that you have to make, whether it is regarding the divorce, the children, finances, whatever.Don’t make any decisions in haste – wait until you know you’ve heard from God. Surround yourself with your Christian friends who will be encouraging and motivating.

Give yourself a minimum of two years to heal and understand that it may take much longer – up to five years.Allow God to heal you and your heart before you venture forth into the dating scene. God will never leave you nor forsake you and you need to know that in the depths of your heart before you begin to date.Learn to be content as a single person with God at your side, seeking His will, plans and purposes for your life.

It was over a year and a half before my divorce was final. As time passed, the pain and grief slowly receded. It took an inordinate amount of time, however, for the anger to leave. Every time I thought about what he had done, not just to me, but to our children, I would get furious. Finally, I realized that my anger was hurting no one except me.

I knew, of course, about Jesus’ teaching that we must forgive those who have offended us. But how do you forgive someone who has wounded you so deeply and has caused wounds in your children that will follow them throughout their life? You can’t, not on your own. I had to ask God many, many times to give me His mercy, His grace and His forgiveness for Bill. It was impossible to forgive him willingly. After several months of praying “make me willing to be willing to forgive Bill,” I was able to progress to “help me forgive Bill” in my prayers. Finally the day arrived when I was able to say “I forgive him.” There were no fireworks, no “bravos,” and no fanfare. Just a quiet “I forgive him,” spoken from my heart while praying. But there was immediate release and a new-found peace.

If you ever find yourself facing a separation and/or divorce, my prayer for you is that your spouse will be willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. If not, and divorce does eventually occur, I pray that you will know the presence of God every moment of every day and that you will know that He is walking with you every step of the way. I pray also that He will help you to be “willing to be willing to forgive,” and to move to “help me forgive_________” (fill in your spouse’s name) and finally to “I forgive _____________.”

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

©2008 Edwina Cowgill